Countdown to TTC: Week 49

Meet Some Families in Your Community

 As a fairly young prospective parent and a graduate student whose peers are still fairly unsettled in terms of career and family, I have found it somewhat difficult to get to know people who are parents.  I suspect that most people naturally meet other parents when they are expecting a first child and continue to develop those relationships as their kids grow, but I think it could also be helpful to begin incorporating parents and children into my social network before I have baby #1.  With that end in mind, I incorporated two challenges into this week of my countdown.  

First, I agreed to babysit.  It can be difficult as a non-parent to mingle with families with kids because of the limited shared social opportunities that are available.  Since it doesn't seem like a great idea to be the creepy stranger who shows up at parks or kid's soccer games (for good reason), I realized the best way for me personally to meet parents around me is to serve them.  This can be especially easy if you are part of a church or a student--just put the word out there that you are available to help and you are likely to start getting requests.  This weekend, DH and I agreed to watch two kids for a family that we know from naptime to bedtime.  Admittedly, we have been babysitting for this family for a couple of years now so it wasn't a completely new item for my countdown, but lately I have started to look at these experiences as an opportunity to learn about and prepare for future parenting situations.  If you decide to try this too in your prep for TTC, bonus points if you can get your significant other to go with you.  It is always great for me to see DH interacting with children and imagine what a wonderful father he will be.  Babysitting can have the added benefit of reminding you to appreciate your current life stage.  The kids are adorable and fun, of course, but it's a good reminder of how much work it is to care for little ones full time. 

Of course, not everyone has opportunities to babysit and some people may worry that they aren't prepared to care for someone else's children because of their lack of experience.   If that describes you, it may be especially beneficial for you to seek out some parents for your social network and there are other ways to connect with them besides child care.  My second challenge for the week meets those criteria: in addition to babysitting, I decided to volunteer for the meals ministry at my church.  This group provides a service to new parents and others in our congregation who are currently in need of some extra help getting meals together for their family.  It's a new experience for me and the first informational meeting hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure I will feel good meeting others' immediate needs and may even have a chance to develop friendship with some of the families.  There will probably be plenty of opportunities to offer help and to listen in addition to just dropping off food.  Plus, I will be getting a chance to contribute to a service I plan to use in the future and will be inspired to start perfecting some healthy family recipes.

Here are the benefits (as I see them) of getting to know some families before you have kids:

1.  Becoming a first-time parent can be stressful and it is nice to know you have some experienced guides to support you.
2. Pregnancy and the early parenting days might be at least slightly less intimidating when you know what to expect and have some clue what you're doing.  You might never be totally prepared, but interacting with and observing other kids can definitely provide some perspective and confidence.
3. Helping out parents in whatever way you can is a good way to figure out what kinds of help might be available to you when you become a parent.  New parents can miss out on valuable community resources if they don't know about them or aren't sure how to request assistance.
4. Pregnancy isn't the best time to completely overhaul your social network.  You want to have support from people you know and have build lasting relationships with when you are starting a family.  Incorporating some parents into your group of friends before it's a practical necessity might not totally solve this problem, but could help you get used to balancing friendships with people at different life stages.  It might also help you figure out how to plan activities that friends with and without kids both enjoy, so you don't drift away from your non-parent friends after having a baby.  
5. It never hurts to help someone out!  Even if you don't become best buddies with any of the families you meet, you'll have made some new acquaintances, established some goodwill, and made a positive difference in your community. 

What about you?  Do you know a lot of parents, or did you before you had your first child?  Do you think there are any benefits?  Do you struggle with maintaining friendships with people who are in a different stage of life?  How can people maintain a thriving social network regardless of their current marital or parental status?     

For more in this countdown series, see last week's challenge about Saving.

Countdown to TTC: Week 50

Saving Up for the Baby Circus

Even the most frugal parents find that a new baby--especially a first child--comes with a lot of swag.  I refer to all the accoutrement that accompany each tiny bundle, as well as the hilarious show that is often put on by parents attempting to juggle all of these objects, as the Baby Circus.  Each little prince or princess requires a substantial up-front investment in terms of furnishings and supplies, as well as a lifetime of age-appropriate updates and upgrades.  Must-haves include a place to sleep (possibly 2 if you want to keep LO close to but not in the parental bed for some amount of time), a car seat, diapers (disposable or cloth), and clothes.  These are just the bare minimums and by themselves can add up to an investment in the hundreds (with good deal hunting) or considerably more.  Then there are some of those nice "luxury" items like a stroller, toys, breast pump, bottles, high chair, swing, etc., etc.  I don't feel that buying all of these items will make one's child happier or more well-adjusted, but they certainly seem like they would make life with an infant a bit more convenient and manageable (at least until you are so overwhelmed with objects that you have a hard time remember it's all about having a happy, well-loved child).  

Just thinking about all of the supplies needed for the great Baby Circus makes my cash hoarding instincts kick in.  Since I have the benefit of a full year to prepare for trying to conceive, I figured now was a good time to start preparing financially for having my own darling money pit, while researching sensible ways to save and cut back too.  Step one of my plan is modifying the monthly budget to incorporate a small savings each month for future conception, pregnancy, and baby expenses.  In addition to my various other savings stashes (#1 of which is saving monthly for a down payment for a future home purchase), I have now added to the monthly budget a $25 savings for pregnancy and baby.  When I have more left over each month, I save more and distribute it across my different savings categories.  It may not be a huge amount, but now I know that by the end of this year of waiting I will have at least $300 saved that is ready to be dedicated only to baby-related expenses.  If nothing else, that's at least a good amount to get started amassing a cloth diaper stash. 

I want to mention here that if DH and I didn't already have a monthly budget, I would have put that as step number one and would instead have spent this week taking action to get a financial plan in place for us (or at least to buy some books about it).  After going through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University a few years ago and then taking a class at the local university on financial management (many community colleges and schools of continuing education offer such courses for $100-$200 dollars), I began tracking our monthly expenses and also deliberately saving for specific purposes.  We don't follow a strict system or cut off our expenses in a certain category each month because we are over budget, but I do like to stay aware of our money and feel like it is working for me and not the other way around.  At the start of the year I make a tentative budget outline (in Excel) and then after a couple months of expenses I download all our banking activity and fill in a monthly spreadsheet of our income and costs (lately I have been using the free trial version of Microsoft Money, but there are many fancier options if you are willing to pay an up-front cost for the software).

My second step for this week's theme has been to establish a designated cash envelope for future baby expenses.  This is a more opportunistic savings vehicle.  Whenever someone pays me back for something in cash or I get paid for babysitting (another activity I highly recommend as part of your preconception prep), I will stash it away in this envelope.  I'm sure some money will inevitably flow out of this fund when it turns out we actually needed some of the cash we stashed in it, but I think over the course of a year there will be a definite net gain.  Then this on-hand cash will be great for all those baby bargains I can't wait to buy--good-condition used baby supplies and clothes at consignment shops, Goodwill, and on Craigslist.

What about you?  How much do you think is a good idea to save before getting pregnant?  Are there any important expenses I'm forgetting about?  Do you have any tips for saving money on pregnancy and baby stuff?

Update:  After a great discussion on Baby Center about saving up for baby, I thought I had better mention an alternative baby savings plan that could be great for some people.  It's called the 52 Week Money Challenge and it involves putting away a different dollar amount each week that corresponds to the current week number in your countdown.  That is, week one you save one dollar, week two you save two dollars, etc. up until week 52 when you put away 52 dollars.  It sounds really manageable because the amounts aren't individually large, but by the end you save almost $1400 dollars!  This especially sounds like a good plan for reluctant savers who benefit from seeing their stash growing over time, which motivates additional saving.  Given my preference for having a set budget, though, I think saving a set dollar amount each month is personally more my style.  

For more in this countdown series, see last week's challenge about Hydration.

Preconception Checklist: 100 Things To Do Before Trying To Conceive (Part 2)

Finally, I have had time to compose the second post in my 4-part series about preconception preparation.  Below are 25 tips and suggestions I have gleaned from a variety of sources that ideally would be considered at least 6-12 months before TTC:

Relationships 

1.  Get to know other parents and families in your area.  Try to add some parents with small children into your social network, if you haven’t already.  It doesn’t have to be all at once, but it will help if you already know some neighbors or have a few friends with kids when your little one arrives on the scene.  This doesn’t mean you will have to abandon all of your non-parent friends, but you will soon need other types of support relationships in your life.  (Of course, remember to start the relationship by getting to know the parents, not by approaching kids who don’t know you.)

2.  Consider volunteering to babysit for a new parent you know, or just to come by the house and help out while mom or dad is home, to initiate a relationship. (Note: Don't be offended if first-time parents aren't willing to leave their precious one alone with you.  It's nothing personal.)

3.  Think about joining a group that provides help to new moms (e.g., a church meals ministry or a stork club).  Not only could this help you to meet other new parents, but will increase the chances you will be able to receive helpful services when you have a new baby at home.

4.  If you can, ask parents you know about their experience with different health care providers and birthing facilities that are available to you.  They are the ones who really know what it will be like working with a particular doctor or giving birth in a specific hospital.  If you don’t know anyone you can ask, search around online for community advice.

5.  Take a preconception vacation with your significant other or family.  Although many people now go on a babymoon, you may be more limited in where you can go and what you can do when you are pregnant.  This may be your last chance for a while to go on that big trip you always wanted to take but never found the time for. 

 

Education/Career

6.  If you plan to work through your pregnancy, make sure you have good disability insurance that will help out with expenses if you are required to be on bed rest for some or most of your pregnancy due to health complications and risks.  Getting this kind of coverage before you are pregnant will be much easier, and some bed rest is not uncommon in the later months of pregnancy.  You don’t want to have to disobey doctor’s orders because of financial concerns.

Physical & Mental Health

7.  Start a deliberate prenatal fitness plan (work up your exercise endurance so you can maintain it once you are pregnant—many doctors will tell you not to start a new exercise routine once you conceive). 

8.  Consider incorporating prenatal yoga or beginner’s yoga into your workout activities.  It has been reported to have many helpful benefits for pregnant women, such as reducing physical complaints during pregnancy, improving flexibility and endurance for childbirth, and decreasing stress.  I am not claiming these effects have been scientifically supported (I would need to do more research to be confident), but it still seems like it’s not a bad idea and there may even be compelling evidence out there I don’t know about.   

9.  Begin to cut back on caffeine and alcohol to prepare for a more drastic reduction just before TTC—this will reduce your dependence and get you ready to go cold turkey without negative side effects.  (An added benefit of reducing alcohol now is that it will make it harder for friends and acquaintances to spot the exact moment you know you are pregnant.  If, like myself, you are terrible at any kind of deception, you will probably want to avoid arousing pregnancy suspicions before you are ready to tell anyone.)

10.  Come up with a list of targeted questions for potential prenatal care providers.  Ask about their philosophy and practice—beliefs about pregnancy weight gain, cesarean rate, opinions about natural birth, when they would recommend an induction, etc.  There are some standard questions that you are supposed to ask, but I think the most important questions are the ones that particularly worry or concern you.  If you don’t care one way or the other about being induced, for instance, you might want to save your questions for more important topics.  Everyone always says to ask everything you want to know, but I find that in a medical setting it is usually hard for me to get out more than a few questions before I start to feel self-conscious.  It could happen to you, too.

11.  Start a deliberate stress reduction plan.  Schedule yoga, meditation, mindfulness practices, or free time and stick to it now through birth and beyond.  Stress can interfere with fertility, worsen pregnancy symptoms, and even make childbirth more difficult.  Plus, it can increase your risk for pregnancy complications and make you a less happy new mom.  Try to remove some of the stress from your life now while you can.

12.  Do a thorough toxicity assessment of your home.  Now is a good time to start switching to gentler or possibly natural household cleaners and products.  You may also want to start looking for pregnancy-friendly products for moms, such as lotions and acne treatments, makeup, hair products, and nail care items.  This is a situation in which a preconception guide such as Before Your Pregnancy would really come in handy.

 

Spirituality/Religion

13.  If you are religious, decide whether your current house of worship has the services you want for kids/families (active kid’s ministry and youth group, a comfort room where parents of small infants can take crying babies but still listen to the sermon, a nursery that makes you feel comfortable, help for new moms via babysitting or meal deliveries, a good number of attending families with young children of different ages, etc.).

14.  If you feel your current religious practice or house of worship isn’t going to work once your family grows, start looking around for family-friendly religious communities in your area and plug in now.  I have anecdotal evidence that it is very difficult to try out new churches with an infant. 

 

Finances

15.  Start a special savings plan or even a separate savings account for pregnancy/birth expenses.  Pregnancy and birth can be expensive, especially if anything unusual happens with the pregnancy.  Save in a special fund that can go to unexpected medical expenses if needed or else can be used to buy desired items for the baby.

16.  Research ways to save money on pregnancy and childbirth costs, if that is a concern for you.  Consider all the major expenses and look for low-cost alternatives:  used maternity clothes, free prenatal care, programs that cover healthy food for pregnant women and children, baby item swap meets, Craigslist, hand me downs, etc.  Lists of frugal parenting tips abound online.  Just be sure to also figure out which things are NOT worth trying to save on.  Items that concern your safety or your baby's safety, such as car seats, are not safe to reuse unless you are sure you know the history of the item. 

  

Practicalities

17.  Draft a will.  If you think you can tackle a draft on your own, give it a try (there are lots of websites that give step-by-step instructions of how to compose a legal will).  If this isn't something you feel comfortable doing yourself, now might be a good time to obtain some legal advice. 

18.  Determine if any major changes to your current residence need to be made (this assumes you have already moved if necessary, as per the previous list).  If any major renovations are required to make room for a baby (e.g., installation of a bathtub, structural modification of a room into a nursery, removal of dangerous design element, etc.) start working on these now. It's not necessary at this point to decorate or buy furniture.  Most will want to wait until successful conception for that bit.

19.  Consider whether you will need a more family-friendly vehicle.  If yes, time to start shopping.  And don’t forget to factor in car seat fit in the back seat (including the fit for multiple children, if that is your plan).

20.  Figure out the details of prenatal care and childbirth coverage from your insurance provider.  Is all prenatal care completely covered, maybe even without copays?  Will they cover items like prenatal vitamins?  How much would be covered for a routine vaginal birth or a Cesarean? What about other needs like lactation consultants?  What if your pregnancy becomes high risk and you need to see specialists and have extra doctor’s visits?

21.  Explore local resources for pregnant women and new moms in your community, such as prenatal yoga sessions, parenting classes, La Leche League, childbirth classes, walking clubs, play groups, and stork clubs.

22.  Assess your pet situation.  Are you currently a no-pet family but want to have a pet when you have a baby in the house (there is some evidence that early exposure to pets can reduce the frequency of childhood illnesses and asthma, in addition to their benefits to well-being)?  Having a dog that needs walking can also encourage you and your little one to get outside more in the early days.  If you have cats, who will change their litter box during the pregnancy?  Does your current dog need more obedience training to be ready for a baby or small child?  Think about what kind of exposure to animals you want your little one to have and figure out what changes to make in your pet situation now.  Getting a puppy and bringing home a newborn in the same week is probably ill-advised, so decide now how your furry (or scaly or feathery) family is going to look. 

23.  While I do not advocate giving up pets just because of a change in lifestyle or stage, you may feel that you just can’t keep one or more of your current pets.  If this is definitely your situation, start planning now to find them the best possible new home. 

 

Fertility & Alternate Plans

24.  If you currently use oral contraceptives to prevent pregnancy, figure out what alternate contraception you might want to use before trying to conceive (if you want to have a few months to track your menstrual cycle, get back to normal, and reliably identify ovulation).  Discuss with your significant other, if applicable.

25.  If artificial insemination is a possibility or your main option, start researching sources of donor sperm.  Consider available clinics and find out what information you can know about the donors.  Think about what information you would want/need to have to feel comfortable. 

 

What other tips would you suggest for women who are thinking about trying to conceive but still have a while to go before beginning the process?  What preparations did you or do you plan to make 6 to 12 months before trying to get pregnant for the first time?

*For further reading, see Before Your Pregnancy: A 90-Day Guide for Couples on How to Prepare for a Healthy Conception. Although the title references the popular 3-month timeline, the guide provides comprehensive coverage of most preconception topics and is not very fixated on the time aspect.